| 3:32 p.m. | no woman no cry | 2003-06-10 |
| Reaped | To continue: Discovered F1eld Day was cancelled from the international airport in Tampa. Gramma is not doing well, the doctors say thirty days. Her brain was swelling so I got the call home. Two hours later I'm on a plane, two hours after that, at her bedside. Viva la family reunion, not. It's tearing the family apart. This is the matriarch dying here. We're a kingdom without a queen, blind worker ants, a program without a directive. No more Ba1ll1e family Christmas, no more bloody marys at 9am, only psycho aunt & her homicidal boyfriend. Who by the way, knows nothing about voice control in an ICU and speaks in ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME. HELLO? HELLO MARIA? YEAH, MOMMY'S HERE IN THE HOSPITAL. SHE DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO TALK. SHE'S DOING OK. YEAH. YEAH. OK. The people visiting gramma's roommate asked us to shut her up. Had I a pocketful of Val1um, this would not be a problem. But like the bizzarro-girlscout I am, I did not. I don't understand though, she knows it's terminal. Why must the doctors come tell her it's terminal every time they see her? It's not like anyone gets better from a glioma. Unless if by 'better' you mean 'dead'. too flip? 'oooh, look at the girl not in touch with her feelings use comedy to displace her emotions. tough one she is'. i shrug my shoulders at you. if you can think of a better way to deal with it i'd like to see it. & my mom, all 'it's ok to cry, honey,' when i got choked up at the perverse immensity of it all. 'no shit mom' i said. i'm not a very nice daughter sometimes. i wonder though, where this crying complex came from. don't like to do it. shows weakness. sometimes its ok, of course, like, if you're alone or if you've just been hit on the head quite soundly. & i know it's one of those human reactions that is necessary to functional emoting, but that doesn't mean i have to do it in front of people, who just make a big deal over it. it's a personal thing. that is my philosophy of crying. that's why i hate doing it. when i was a kid i never let my mom see me do it b/c i wanted her to know i was strong. leave the sobbing to lil' sister. this has probably fucked me up good. well great, add it to the list. this is why writing is cathartic. anyway... she's back at her house now. Hospice sposed to be coming in to take care of the daily things. I'm glad, she'll get to be at the homestead, among her glass & quilts & orchids. This is making me sad. No crying at the reference desk. Period. & then she told me, "you gotta finish my quilt for me. You and your mom." & I think, when? After I move back to florida? More sad stuff now waves & waves. When she's gone they'll divide up the land, the last remaining bit of what was once a huge cattle ranch. They'll have to sell the house, the place i grew up, divvy out the loot, too much for anyone to take it all, more than seventy years heirlooms & junk & foil saved since the Depression. She was taking me to Goodwill & thrift store before it was hip to wear vintage. With the stuff that'll be left, I could open one of my own. Tears me apart to think of it, but it already is a reality. Christmas this year will not be there. doesn't help mom's saying she 'doesn't want anything to do with [her siblings] after this'. As in, no more family christmas, ever. Talk to your cousins on your own time. I'm excommunicating myself from the family. Yeah, mom's taking this real well too. So, blah. Why am I more depressed than before? A dark figure looms steady on the horizon, razor gray shadow scythe racing across the sky. 30 days. A self-fulfilling prophecy. |
Sown |
| Fresh Cut
New digs - 2004-05-25 Bachelor hell - 2004-05-10 Grumble - 2004-05-07 Coachella pt. 2, or goddamn do my fingers hurt - 2004-05-05 Coachella part one, or, this monkey's gone to indio rawk heaven - 2004-05-05 Random Shearings Rings |
Profile
Guestbook D-land Older Home 26 Links
Bandified
|
|
| � | � | |