5:17 p.m.	in which our hero freaks over a cyber tarot reading	2002-12-11
Reaped	this online playmobil tarot reading that came recommended from ana-ng has given me pause. how many times does one get both death, the lovers, the fool, the star & the magician in one reading? not many, at least from my limited tarot experience. not that i'm inclined to believe any virtual reading i get, but it makes me wanna run home and do a real one [i.e., one in which i touch the cards, which is a pretty big factor] on myself. according to the playmobil gypsy, in my present situation resides the fool: 'an important decision or choice will have to be made'. the lovers, crossing him, are either helping or hindering the present situation. in the background, the devil reversed: abuse of one's position for personal ends. sounds ominous. in the present, the hermit [big surprise] presides: take things slow, rest, think, plan. but in the future looms the star, 'a widening of one's horizons both physical and mental'. oooohh. hopefully in the form of a big cock. and coming soon to a future near you, the high priestess: 'the hidden revealed, intuition suggests new solutions.' so what does the future hold, oh great & knowing playmobil tarot? Death. a change, a blessing in disguise. my hopes & fears: temperance, mediation brings progress. others' perception: the empress; comfort, inspiration, firm foundation in future progress. my perception, the reversed magician: an inability to face reality, timidness & hesitation results in further problems. hmm. yeah, sounds great. how could the computer pick up on all my bad vibes anyway? i haven't done a reading on my own since probably when i first started dating crab. almost as if, i didn't want any insights into my future b/c i knew it would say something negative. plus tarot is all about psychology anyway. but lookie here, i was right about the negativity. kinda new it all along though. one doesn't have to look too far past the mound of dirty socks to see it. so anyway, ramble ramble go i, delving into the supernatural physics of technology. any justification of why i feel so negatively about my relationship w/ crab is good for me! i think, in a way, i'm scared to be alone.[you think? *smacks head in disgust*] simultaneously, i'm sick of being part of this lame dog partnership. trying to weigh the pros and cons doesn't really help either. for example, longetivity. being with someone over 2 years is a rather long time to waste if you've decided there's no way in hell you could marry them. which i think i've decided. but then, its gonna be another 2 years at least spent trying to find another person, then wooing them and all that shit. and it's all gotta be done before menopause if you wanna spawn minions. so should one just suck it up and learn to deal with the one you've written off? tell them to clean the house, drop fifty pounds and make their own damn bacon? or go search for someone else who can already do that? i don't know. i don't care if there's an answer and let me just say right now that i don't need a whole bunch of preachy shit in my guestbook so spare me okay [ahem ishmael]? the whole thing just pisses me off.& i can't even do anything about it until the lease runs out. and then there's moving all of my shit somewhere else, and finding new friends since the ones i have are couple-friends, and all that happy shit associated with breaking up with a longterm s.o.. so maybe it is just better to just deal with the current problem. i wish they'd change easier. or maybe i'll just have a coronary & won't have to worry about it anymore. that would be the best case scenario. so look, i'm falling into exactly what the playtarot predicted: inability to face reality, timidness, hesitation. so, i'm gonna go crawl back into my hole now. this entry has done nothing but depress & piss me off, but that's what makes it a real journal anyway.	Sown
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