View from a grassy knoll

9:37 a.m. Kinda like an expository novel 2004-04-20

Reaped
To: weezer1d Sent: Mon 4/19/2004 6:20 PM
From: c0balt_l1on
I could never be mad with you long, no mater how miserable I am. No mater how much you show me your casual disregard, I just can't tell you goodbye.
It makes me feel so low, to be lower than low. I would send you around the world twice while you spread for every Mr. No Face that tickled your fancy, if you asked me. Hell, I would offer with a raise of your brow. You could laugh in my face the whole time as long as you smiled for me too. I couldn't deny you, or protest. Because you are my best friend, and I just want you to be happy. But I'm not happy with you.
You would ditch me in a second. You may have just been joking, but it's true. Or rather, I can't tell if it's not true. Or you would want to be with him, and it would be obvious you would rather be with him, but you're staying with me out of obligation. Kind of like your Mom and John. I can't stand the thought of G, because he had you for just one on the side.
Because he had you and it was really just a feather in his cap. He thought of you like you think of Bil0xi b0y. Good for fun but just a little girl, silly and naieve, though he would never tell you that. He made you feel mature and worldly and sophisticated, and catered to your little miss backwater girl self image.
If not G maybe you'd ditch me for Cabb1e who can tell you all those sweet little lies, pepper you with flowery speech he's memorized from books, and let you believe it. He really is a poor liar. I had him pegged after drinking all night and a lot of yeah. I just didn't know how he was lying.
And then he let you fuck him thinking he was someone else. And you would leave me alone, avoid calling me, for these men. I can't trust that you
wouldn't. After all these years.
Those thoughts just make me want to die. Will you never care for me how I care for you. At least enough to know that however you feel, or whatever lover you take, you must still be gentle with me. I wish that could make me stop careing. I wasn't waiting for your call that night. I was fine that you didn't call. Untill you had to bust out with I was fucking "asshole" all night long. You could have just left it at "Sorry didn't call". You could have just said I'd fly out to Prague with you. You didn't have to mention G. You didn't have to say you'll ditch me. But you don't care, you would and I should realize that before I end up hanging myself in a eastern Europe hostile, because then and there I would be totally and ultimately alone.
Without my friend. Without a lover, with no one in the world that means anything to me and no reason to fight the pain, because there would be no hope.
All I can say is "screw guilt, you can do what ever you want. It's your time. There's no shame in enjoying yourself" for fear you might not want to talk to me again if I told you the truth. Because you don't want to hear how I really feel, and I know that. I'm worse than the Cabb1e. I've been lying to my best friend. To the girl I care most about. this isn't meant to make you feel bad, but you make me feel bad. I can;t let go of you until I let go. I wont be happy untill I let go of you.
Would you rather me just be angry with you? Needless to say, you know how I feel. It's best that you don't respect my feelings. Treat me like the shit rag I am. Mr. Standby back scratcher. Mr. Boomarang. Throw me away and I'll always come back. But it might take a little longer on this trip around. I'd move to New Orleans in a second to be with you. But you don't love me like I love you, and I can't accept that anymore. It makes me sick and lonely all the time.
You're not a bad girl. You're just bad for me. For now.
To:c0balt_li0n Sent:Tue 4/20/2004 9:03 AM
From: weezer1d
I think a better title to this would be 'it's just nothing but a subtle fuck you', ala Bad Religion. But anyway. Happy 4/20 Day, I was gonna send you a card but...yeah, this is even better.
You send me one of these every so often, so I'm not surprised or upset, and as certain people would observe, that's no big surprise considering the egocentric world view I've taken on to protect myself from being hurt.
I respect that you care so much, but really, when's the last time I sent you an email saying you're some whore with no taste but that's ok I still care about you greatly? Oh yeah, never. But I guess that's why I'm such a great friend, right? Because I sit here and agree that I have horrible taste in men, and eventually I'll come crawling back to you for a sympathetic ear, like the countless other women who consider you the sensitive nice guy.
I can't make you stop caring about my various exploits, but I wish you wouldn't take it so personally. I don't throw a tizzy every time you sleep w/ some new girl. This is why I'm bad for you I guess. This is why 'I don't care' about your feelings. Or maybe this is why you're bad for yourself. Because I don't have the problem. I'm happy. I wish I could say I appreciate your acute observations & predictions on my happiness/love life/etc, but really it just pisses in my otherwise tasty lemonade. Your note echoes of jealousy. Seriously what do you want me to do about it? Stop talking to you for a half a year again? Is that what you're getting at, but don't have the nerve to say?
I'm not accepting responsibility for you feeling crappy for stuff I do 800 miles away, stuff that doesn't concern you. You make it a concern yourself, when I'm just relating what's going on in my life.
Ok, harsh feeling aside, I'm sorry you love me in a way I can never love you. Hasn't this been the case our whole friendship? What the hell am I supposed to do about it? I love you as my closest comrade, the-knower-of-my-darkest-secrets, but I can't be what you want me to be. I'm not sorry for that. You're my closest friend, and as that I understand this is one of your bad spells where you need people to be good to you. Working yourself up over what I do with my life is a mask for your real issues. Especially since I don't even live in the same state as you anymore. It's not like my personal life is thrown down your throat everyday. I haven't even really spoken to you in a couple weeks. So maybe you stick it down there yourself. The Gary comment was tongue in cheek. Sarcasm. I can't help if you make it into something more. It's always been this way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, although I have empathy for your feelings of loneliness, I'm not to blame. Your email seems to say otherwise, regardless of if I'm "not a bad girl" or not. Your judgment rings hollow.
Our years of friendship are rich with good times. Has it all been simply you waiting in the wings to take the place of 'whoever I'm spreading for'? How is that less diabolical than some older guy taking advantage of a 'na�ve young girl' or another whispering stolen lines of poetry into my ear? How are you any better? Who are you to judge?
Sown

Fresh Cut
New digs - 2004-05-25
Bachelor hell - 2004-05-10
Grumble - 2004-05-07
Coachella pt. 2, or goddamn do my fingers hurt - 2004-05-05
Coachella part one, or, this monkey's gone to indio rawk heaven - 2004-05-05

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9:37 a.m.	Kinda like an expository novel	2004-04-20
Reaped	To: weezer1d Sent: Mon 4/19/2004 6:20 PM From: c0balt_l1on I could never be mad with you long, no mater how miserable I am. No mater how much you show me your casual disregard, I just can't tell you goodbye. It makes me feel so low, to be lower than low. I would send you around the world twice while you spread for every Mr. No Face that tickled your fancy, if you asked me. Hell, I would offer with a raise of your brow. You could laugh in my face the whole time as long as you smiled for me too. I couldn't deny you, or protest. Because you are my best friend, and I just want you to be happy. But I'm not happy with you. You would ditch me in a second. You may have just been joking, but it's true. Or rather, I can't tell if it's not true. Or you would want to be with him, and it would be obvious you would rather be with him, but you're staying with me out of obligation. Kind of like your Mom and John. I can't stand the thought of G, because he had you for just one on the side. Because he had you and it was really just a feather in his cap. He thought of you like you think of Bil0xi b0y. Good for fun but just a little girl, silly and naieve, though he would never tell you that. He made you feel mature and worldly and sophisticated, and catered to your little miss backwater girl self image. If not G maybe you'd ditch me for Cabb1e who can tell you all those sweet little lies, pepper you with flowery speech he's memorized from books, and let you believe it. He really is a poor liar. I had him pegged after drinking all night and a lot of yeah. I just didn't know how he was lying. And then he let you fuck him thinking he was someone else. And you would leave me alone, avoid calling me, for these men. I can't trust that you wouldn't. After all these years. Those thoughts just make me want to die. Will you never care for me how I care for you. At least enough to know that however you feel, or whatever lover you take, you must still be gentle with me. I wish that could make me stop careing. I wasn't waiting for your call that night. I was fine that you didn't call. Untill you had to bust out with I was fucking "asshole" all night long. You could have just left it at "Sorry didn't call". You could have just said I'd fly out to Prague with you. You didn't have to mention G. You didn't have to say you'll ditch me. But you don't care, you would and I should realize that before I end up hanging myself in a eastern Europe hostile, because then and there I would be totally and ultimately alone. Without my friend. Without a lover, with no one in the world that means anything to me and no reason to fight the pain, because there would be no hope. All I can say is "screw guilt, you can do what ever you want. It's your time. There's no shame in enjoying yourself" for fear you might not want to talk to me again if I told you the truth. Because you don't want to hear how I really feel, and I know that. I'm worse than the Cabb1e. I've been lying to my best friend. To the girl I care most about. this isn't meant to make you feel bad, but you make me feel bad. I can;t let go of you until I let go. I wont be happy untill I let go of you. Would you rather me just be angry with you? Needless to say, you know how I feel. It's best that you don't respect my feelings. Treat me like the shit rag I am. Mr. Standby back scratcher. Mr. Boomarang. Throw me away and I'll always come back. But it might take a little longer on this trip around. I'd move to New Orleans in a second to be with you. But you don't love me like I love you, and I can't accept that anymore. It makes me sick and lonely all the time. You're not a bad girl. You're just bad for me. For now. To:c0balt_li0n Sent:Tue 4/20/2004 9:03 AM From: weezer1d I think a better title to this would be 'it's just nothing but a subtle fuck you', ala Bad Religion. But anyway. Happy 4/20 Day, I was gonna send you a card but...yeah, this is even better. You send me one of these every so often, so I'm not surprised or upset, and as certain people would observe, that's no big surprise considering the egocentric world view I've taken on to protect myself from being hurt. I respect that you care so much, but really, when's the last time I sent you an email saying you're some whore with no taste but that's ok I still care about you greatly? Oh yeah, never. But I guess that's why I'm such a great friend, right? Because I sit here and agree that I have horrible taste in men, and eventually I'll come crawling back to you for a sympathetic ear, like the countless other women who consider you the sensitive nice guy. I can't make you stop caring about my various exploits, but I wish you wouldn't take it so personally. I don't throw a tizzy every time you sleep w/ some new girl. This is why I'm bad for you I guess. This is why 'I don't care' about your feelings. Or maybe this is why you're bad for yourself. Because I don't have the problem. I'm happy. I wish I could say I appreciate your acute observations & predictions on my happiness/love life/etc, but really it just pisses in my otherwise tasty lemonade. Your note echoes of jealousy. Seriously what do you want me to do about it? Stop talking to you for a half a year again? Is that what you're getting at, but don't have the nerve to say? I'm not accepting responsibility for you feeling crappy for stuff I do 800 miles away, stuff that doesn't concern you. You make it a concern yourself, when I'm just relating what's going on in my life. Ok, harsh feeling aside, I'm sorry you love me in a way I can never love you. Hasn't this been the case our whole friendship? What the hell am I supposed to do about it? I love you as my closest comrade, the-knower-of-my-darkest-secrets, but I can't be what you want me to be. I'm not sorry for that. You're my closest friend, and as that I understand this is one of your bad spells where you need people to be good to you. Working yourself up over what I do with my life is a mask for your real issues. Especially since I don't even live in the same state as you anymore. It's not like my personal life is thrown down your throat everyday. I haven't even really spoken to you in a couple weeks. So maybe you stick it down there yourself. The Gary comment was tongue in cheek. Sarcasm. I can't help if you make it into something more. It's always been this way. I guess what I'm trying to say is, although I have empathy for your feelings of loneliness, I'm not to blame. Your email seems to say otherwise, regardless of if I'm "not a bad girl" or not. Your judgment rings hollow. Our years of friendship are rich with good times. Has it all been simply you waiting in the wings to take the place of 'whoever I'm spreading for'? How is that less diabolical than some older guy taking advantage of a 'na�ve young girl' or another whispering stolen lines of poetry into my ear? How are you any better? Who are you to judge?	Sown
Fresh Cut New digs - 2004-05-25 Bachelor hell - 2004-05-10 Grumble - 2004-05-07 Coachella pt. 2, or goddamn do my fingers hurt - 2004-05-05 Coachella part one, or, this monkey's gone to indio rawk heaven - 2004-05-05 Random Shearings Rings		Profile Guestbook Mail D-land Older Home 26 Links Bandified Geek Philosopher /. Drudge Worst.Site.Ever.
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