| 7:32 p.m. | driveling self pity, please ignore | 2004-04-28 |
| Reaped | There�s not that much left to say. Everyone was right. Even me. I knew the shoe would drop sooner or later. Knew it was too intense, too fun, too perfect to last any longer without some stupid heart wrenching event tearing a hole through me. I knew I was becoming too emotionally involved. I knew he didn�t mean it when he said �I love you�. Or rather, I knew even if he meant it there was something more sinister lurking behind it. And so there was. Some girl that he�s known forever that he�s gonna marry someday. Some girl that he�s cheated on countless times with countless other girls just like me. Maybe she�s ok with it. Maybe she�s oblivious. Maybe it�s just another fucking lie. I don�t care. Stupid na�ve me, thinking people change. They don�t, they just think of new ways to explain their ways out of things It�s not fair to play second fiddle. It�s not fair to want something you think you can have but can�t. It�s not fair to act like you care about someone when you�ve spoken for someone else. But I�m beginning to realize that nothing in life is really fair. Fuck that. I know. But I�m beginning to wonder if I�m capable of a functional relationship, when I keep falling back on ones that are clearly so not functional. When you first fall in love, for the first time ever, your heart feels like bursting because you�re so damn happy, so blind to the rest of the world for the eyes of that person. And when you break up, or go to college or a job far away, or cheat or lose touch, those feelings go away and nothing close to that ever happens in your relationships again. I keep trying to chase down that original feeling. That eighteen-year-old-just-bedded-starry-eyed high. People that have it make me jealous. Not that I�ll ever find it, not that I really believe it even exists anymore, but to experience that feeling, like the world is bursting around you because of the way someone makes you feel, that's like it's own type of crack cocaine. * �So what�ve you been doing today?� �Crying in front of my computer.� �Really?� He�s concerned. The sun glints off her sunglasses as she cocks her head. �Well, only a little.� �Take off our sunglasses so I can see your eyes.� She takes them off. Glares. �I told you how it was this time. I was honest.� �Mmmm, not really.� �OK, well, the point is, eventually I did. This just went from being an open-ended relationship to a closed-ended. Nothing lasts forever y�know.� She traces a crack in the concrete bench. �Except you & internet girlfriend�� Then there�s a look of shock or surprise. �Touch�, Weez. Touch�.� |
Sown |
| Fresh Cut
New digs - 2004-05-25 Bachelor hell - 2004-05-10 Grumble - 2004-05-07 Coachella pt. 2, or goddamn do my fingers hurt - 2004-05-05 Coachella part one, or, this monkey's gone to indio rawk heaven - 2004-05-05 Random Shearings Rings |
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